Diary of a Dog
8:00am Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30am A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40am A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00pm Wow! Watched TV with my family! My favorite
thing!
11:00pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Diary of a Cat
It is day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and
myself are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for
the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep
up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.. In an
attempt to disgust them, I vomit on the floor.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had
hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates
what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about
what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity! There was some sort of assembly
of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the
duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I
overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn
what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost
successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around
his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of
the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog
receives special privileges. He is regularly released --and seems to be more
than willing to return. He is obviously retarded!
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards
regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged
protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe...for now.
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